LOCKED UP LANDY!!!

Locked Up Landy

By Raymond du Plessis

Back in the time that existed before untrained politicians appointed themselves authorities on all things ecological, and decided that the impact vehicles had on our beaches was a bigger issue than the impact hijackers were having on our streets, TuffStuff sponsored a beach drive from St Lucia to Kosi Bay. Now look, I'm not naïve: of course, there are some subspecies of the human race who have no regard for any ecosystem, fellow humans or even themselves. I am of the opinion, however, that this class of 4x4 owners is probably still driving on our beaches in defiance of the law. The same law that banned vehicles from beaches has also robbed many nature lovers of spectacular sections of our wonderful country. With correct policing, training and management, beach driving is not only sustainable and viable for all to enjoy, but would provide a positive spin-off for nature conservation to boot. Ok, now I've had my go at the establishment, let me get on with this month's story… The sponsored beach drive was co-ordinated in conjunction with a radio station which featured an off-road driving segment showcasing off-road destinations. There were thirty 4x4 owners (and their families) who participated in this marvellous three day trek along the beach, and much fun was had by all – particularly at the camp sites after each day's activities. As usual, whenever a group of people get together there will always be one character that provides the rest with a constant source of entertainment. This dynamic held true with this group of nature lovers too. This is George's story. George happened to be in a senior position at the radio station. He was also the only one of the group who did not actually own a 4x4 and had no off-roading experience. This, however, did not deter him and he was determined to accompany us on the TuffStuff beach drive adventure. George successfully convinced a local Land Rover dealership (who advertised extensively on his radio station) to loan him a new Freelander for the trip. George and his wife invited a friend to join them, and in due course they set off to rendezvous with the other 4x4 enthusiasts at St Lucia. Everyone was keen to start the beach driving adventure the next day. Now, George and his friend are big guys, and the Freelander was filled to capacity with human cargo and loads of (largely unnecessary) luggage. Readers will appreciate that beach driving is, by necessity, planned around the ebb and flow of the tides. It would not be the highlight of your off-roading holiday to be caught on a beach with an incoming tide and no way past the pounding surf. In just a few minutes, a single change of tide can quickly destroy a stranded vehicle. With this in mind, the radio station contracted an experienced fundi to shepherd the intrepid trekkers along the coast. It became evident that our fundi had a vast knowledge of the sea and the beaches around South Africa, and he shared some amazing facts with us.After being entertained at the camp site by Messrs Johnny Walker and Jack Daniel's the previous evening, we all set off early in the morning under the competent guidance of our expert; Fundi. The first day presented a host of opportunities to have fun. Power kiting, dune boarding, swimming, fishing, snorkelling, and tanning were all the order of the day. That night, the entertainment around the camp fire was again headed up by Johnny Walker and co., under whose guidance much mirth and merriment was enjoyed. The second day saw us heading further down the beach. The whole group was much more relaxed, which resulted in Fundi having his hands full trying to keep our convoy from spreading out, we arrived at our next stopover (and off the beach) ahead of the incoming tide. It was bound to happen. George, our Freelander-driving friend burst(literally) onto the scene. Having heard that one should deflate one's tyres for soft sand driving, George did just that. His lack of experience showed in the way he virtually emptied his tyres of air. The almost complete lack of air, coupled with the excessive load this small off road vehicle was carrying, caused the first problem. The right front tyre tore badly when George drove over a rock just under the surface of the sand. This puncture caused the whole convoy to come to a halt, and Fundi quickly busied himself helping with the wheel change. The rest of us relaxed, watching them work. It did not take Fundi long to discover that the damaged wheel was fitted with a special lock nut, designed to protect the expensive rims and tyres from being stolen. The Land Rover dealer had omitted to hand over the special lug required to remove the locking nut when George collected the vehicle. Much debate broke out amongst our band of adventurers as to how this predicament could be resolved. Fundi, ignoring our advice, disappeared into the depths of his toolkit, only to reappear a few minutes later brandishing a dangerous looking four-pound hammer, complete with chisel.Our conversation died instantly as, without a word, and with a single strike of the chisel, he smashed the lock nut off the wheel. George stopped breathing. The dealer had made him swear upon his life that he would take good care of the brand new Land Rover. George's eyes resembled those of a female Pekinese being chased by a horny Rottweiler. With all the finesse of a Formula One race engineer, Fundi removed the offending wheel from the Freelander. I could almost see the cogs in George's mind turning as he tried to figure out how he was going to explain the damage to the Land Rover dealer. Next, Fundi removed the spare wheel cover, and discovered another lock nut. He was starting to enjoy this. With a just a hint of a smirk creeping across his face, he reached for the hammer and chisel but big 4x4 George had had enough. With astonishing speed for a man of his girth, George grabbed the hammer and took off down the beach. It didn't take Fundi long to catch up with him, and we watched the very one-sided negotiation taking place between Fundi and George. Fundi might know a lot but he was losing his patience. Thankfully, sanity prevailed. It didn't take long for the second lock nut to go the way of the first. George was in a state. The situation was side splittingly funny to everyone but him. It did not take long for the trek to be on its way again. Unfortunately, neither did it take long for poor George to provide us with our next bout of entertainment. George had travelled barely 200 metres from the site of his previous mishap when he managed to get the Landy successfully bogged down in deep sand. He sat absolutely rigid in his seat as he fearfully watched Fundi approach in his rearview mirror. Fundi stomped up the beach and making sure that toward the Landy with a kinetic snatch-strap slung over his shoulder. Fundi would have made an excellent sergeant-major. He barked orders at George and his passengers, ordering them from the stranded Freelander. George was beaten. We could see it in the way he hurriedly extricated his bulk from the vehicle. “Not you George!” Fundi bellowed. George immediately clambered back into the Landy and obediently awaited further instructions from Fundi. With the tide coming in quickly and many kilometres still to cover, Fundi hurriedly attached the snatch-strap between the Landy and his vehicle. He plucked the stranded Freelander from the sand, using all the torque his massive 4.5 litre turbo diesel could muster. George continued to stare fixedly ahead as Fundi charged up the beach with the bouncing Landy in tow. We all felt Fundi had used a little more force than was strictly necessary. George, Fundi and the little Landy continued to provide us with yet more entertainment the next day. But that's a story best left for another time. Damn, it's a pity our beaches remain closed to vehicles – I miss those days.